Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy