Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

cat faces on other animals, a thread

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

My wife gives the best headache.

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.