Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Every time my phone rings

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

I have obtained a hat

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.