[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

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Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me


Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.


I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’


They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.


Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes


Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does


My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever


Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation


“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins