[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
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It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
*cough*
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit