@david8hughes

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

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@markedly

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

@theshamingofjay

Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.

@Floatersfinest

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

@WilliamAder

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

@abbycohenwl

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

@dumbbeezie

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

@amysowerby

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

@JasonNotEvil

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

@TheBoydP

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins