New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
A friend helps you before you need it
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
If only.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Me too
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??