So you’re telling me we can land a spacecraft remotely on Mars, yet, very few men in my office can pee directly into a stationary toilet?
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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What do you hear?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My ex was an absolute treasure.
By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.