Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.