New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Sounds like a real hoot.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Story time
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.