Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough