Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

Lmaoo 😂

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.