New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.