Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

The USS B port