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Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
money maker
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs