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People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad