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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.