I put my pants on like everyone else….
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.