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I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.


alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
me: why


Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag


wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did


My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.


Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.


Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon


Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath


YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.