Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.