[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
mechanics be like
Body by Oreos
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Most fashion shows these days…
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.