[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great