Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.