New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
They’re really bad with fonts.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?