Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance