New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Huge, if true.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’