NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
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Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.