Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

*files a restraining order against reality*

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands