New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
What personal space?
My dog
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
