New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
on da cob, we all corn
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
