New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
😂😂
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
