New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
