New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
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Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
(Electricians.)
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?