New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
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I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
happy mother’s day❤️
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected