New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
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Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
