New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
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Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Catering service
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.