New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
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BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.