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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
#ParentingFacts
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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