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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes