New mindset, who dis?
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ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…