Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me