New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
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When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?