Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.