New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
You Might Also Like
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?