Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

January is lasting longer than my marriage

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars