Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Story time

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.