New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
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Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames