Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue