New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
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Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Don’t we all.
