Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

“our sushi is very fresh”

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.