Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

this FaceApp is creepy af

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.