officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I needed a laugh this morning.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no