New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
We have a winner.
taking June’s advice to heart
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Remorse?
I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.