Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college