Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

When someone trying to leave me

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road