Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

Things will get butter, keep churning

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.