New nose
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
