New nose
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
it must be school picture day
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.