New nose
You Might Also Like
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please