New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
You Might Also Like
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
do u think theres a butter planet?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February