New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’