Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

seems fine

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.