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[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
i spent way too long on this
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.