New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My dog ate my work from home.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.