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Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.