New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
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me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!