New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
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Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Saw online –
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
respect