Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

How do horror writers compete with current events?

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium