Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

new record!

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms