NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
You Might Also Like
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.