Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

The Sun

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

All right then, keep your secrets

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.