NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
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One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.