*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
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I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
getting old is fun
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*