Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.