New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
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I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!