Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Note to self: I am a note

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

the prophecies have been fulfilled

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this