Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*