New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.