New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Finally! 😈
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.