Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

how much for the angry fruit?

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”