New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
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On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.