New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”